She is your friend. She has had a mastectomy. She is the same person. You know all that, and you still might not know what to say. That is normal. Here is what people who have been on the other side of it ask for.
This article is general health information, not medical advice. Talk to a healthcare professional about your own situation.
What not to say
Do not make it light
No jokes about "losing a boob" or "getting new ones". Reconstruction, if she chooses it, is long and often painful, and breasts are tied to how many women see themselves.
Do not promise it will be fine
You do not know that, and she knows you do not. Listening beats reassuring.
Do not ask what it looks like
Or how she feels about her body, unless she brings it up. Let her set the pace.
Do not share other people's stories
Especially the bad ones. Her story is the only one in the room.
Do not treat her differently
No pity, no avoiding her, no pressure to talk about cancer. Invite her to things and let her decide.
Do not assume a hug is welcome
Surgery can leave the chest numb or sore, and some hugs hurt. Ask, or send a message instead.
What to do instead
- Say "I am here", then be there: a text, a call, a visit that does not need hosting.
- Offer specific help: a meal on Tuesday, the school run, walking the dog.
- Ask what she wants to talk about, and follow that.
- Keep inviting her, even when she says no.
- Remember the milestones: surgery date, results day, the end of treatment.
- Keep showing up after the first month, when everyone else stops.
Frequently asked questions
Should I mention her surgery at all?
Once, simply: "I heard, and I am here." Then let her lead.
What if I already said the wrong thing?
Say so, briefly, and move on. She does not need you perfect; she needs you present.