She's your friend. She's gone through a mastectomy. She's still the same person.
But even if you repeat those words to yourself, you might find it hard to know what to say or how to act around her. It's normal to feel anxious and unsure when you're supporting someone through a traumatic experience like cancer.
Our advice, based on the insights of friends and survivors of #ciralu, is simple: be yourself. You might say the wrong thing at first, but your friend doesn't need you to be perfect. She just needs you to be there for her.
What not to say to a friend after a mastectomy
Don't make light of the situation
For women, breasts are often tied to their sense of femininity and self-worth. Losing one or both breasts can be a deeply traumatic experience. So don't joke about how she's "lost a boob," or tell her she can "just get new ones." Breast reconstruction is a complicated and often painful process that comes with its own set of challenges.
Don't give false hope
It's natural to want to reassure your friend that everything will be okay, but the truth is that you don't know what the future holds. Instead of trying to offer solutions or platitudes, try to listen to your friend and support her in the ways she needs most. Show her that you're there for her no matter what.
Don't ask invasive questions
Your friend might not be ready to talk about her mastectomy right away, and that's okay. Don't pry or ask invasive questions about what her chest looks like or how she's feeling. Instead, let her know that you're there for her if and when she wants to talk about it.
How to help a friend after a mastectomy
Don't share negative stories
When someone is going through a tough time, it can be tempting to share stories of others who've gone through the same thing. But this can come across as insensitive or even hurtful. Instead, focus on your friend and what she needs. Offer practical support like running errands or cooking meals, or simply be a listening ear when she needs to vent.
Don't treat your friend differently
Your friend is still the same person she was before her mastectomy, and she deserves to be treated with the same respect and love as always. Don't avoid her or treat her with pity, but don't pressure her to talk about her cancer if she's not ready. Invite her to spend time with you, but let her make the decisions about what she feels up to.
Don't assume physical contact is the best way to comfort her
For some women, the loss of sensation in their breasts can make physical contact uncomfortable or even painful. Respect your friend's boundaries and look for other ways to show your love and support. A simple text message or phone call can go a long way in making her feel cared for.
Above all, remember that your friend needs you now more than ever. Show her that you're there for her in whatever ways she needs, and let her know that she's still the same amazing person she's always been.
